Restroom Etiquette: Public Restrooms

There is a reason that your bathroom at home is a one-er. Its a private place. This editor is not even convinced that a restroom should be attached to a building.

Whoever invented this whole public restroom thing is a dingbat. There is nothing worse than "restrooming" with 2-6 other people. Why? I'll tell you why.

1. Noises.
Sorry, I don't care if I'm never going to see you again or if we're family, I do not want to hear your body noises of any kind. Ever.
2. Conversations.
I don't really want to talk to you anyway, much less when I can hear your words AND body noises at the same time.
3. Scents.
Not only did you just make body noises while talking to me, you just sprayed some old lady scented $h!t to cover up whatever you just did. Not cool, man.
4. Germs.
After hearing what you just did while talking to you AND smelling your old lady scented room "refresher," I now have to wash my hands in the same spot you do?  Goody.

What is it with girls restrooming in packs? Like, seriously. Who really wants to do that? There are just too many risks involved.

Alternates:

Telephone Conversations: Professionalism

Things that have been said, that should not be said to a client:

"We'll try to finagle this for you."

Finagle:

1. Obtain (something) by devious or dishonest means.

2. Act in a devious or dishonest manner: "they finagled over the fine points".

AH. That is not something a client wants to hear, but it is hilarious.

"I will be with you in a minute. I am waiting for google to load."

No. 

If the good doctor wanted an answer from Google or Wikipedia, he would have gone there himself. If you are going to google something, do it prior to or after the conversation. Or don't tell him that you are doing it.

"WAZZUUUPPP??"
Wouldn't even feel comfortable saying that to a friend.

If anyone tries to force you into a "wazzup" situation, kindly laugh and carry on. Do not cave.

To be continued.

Shouldn't-Be Mysteries: Coffee Fixin'

We encounter some pretty difficult situations in the workplace.  The coffee maker and coffee pot should not be included in the "difficult" category.

The coffee maker is simple: you push the little button ONE TIME and coffee comes out. If you push the little button twice, some yellow water will come out. The yellow water will overfill the coffee pot and go on the floor. UB will then slip and fall. There's no coming back from that (for him).
If you set a coffee pot on the burner with 1/2 in of coffee (or yellow water) in it, its going to burn. There's another little button that turns the burner off so we don't have to smell that $h!t all day long.

Once the coffee and/or yellow water is gone, you either need to make more coffee (by pushing the little button) or turn the burner off. Easy peasy.

I think I speak for everyone when I say: when I see you using the empty coffee pot to smash the garbage down in the kitchen trash, I want to vomit.

Want to know what a coffee pot should be used for? Its really easy: Coffee. (or your yellow water).
A coffee pot is not a garbage pot.

If you are having problems with either of the above, please visit youtube.com and find some instructions. Its amazing what you can find on the internet.

UB: NOT Pizza

From: Somebody
Sent: Thursday, October 27, 2011 1:35 PM
To: Everybody
Subject: $50 Reward for Dominos (this grabbed our attention. Whats better than $50 worth of pizza)?
Importance: High

To All:

First of all UB would like for me to explain to all, that being a prankster himself (has anyone EVER been pranked by UB? No.), you have to be willing to except (no exceptions) the tables being turned on you every once and a while.

Such as...post it notes on the bottom of the mouse (genius), all computer wires unplugged (some of us do this on a daily basis to get the thing running anyway), office being rearranged (it could use it) and other things that get to be not so funny after so many times (Wrong. Its funny EVERY time).

Now it's the dominos!  They were taken from the clear holder outside his door (this was art).  He doesn't know how long they have been gone (We thought you'd NEVER ask) but they are noticeably absent (Noticeable after FOUR FRIGGN' MONTHS). 

There will be a $50 reward to have them returned.($h!t, I'm gonna go home and paint MY dominoes and turn them in)

But this has been so upsetting to UB (cue heart attack) that you should just put them back on his desk anonymously (AS IF we're going to turn ourselves in.) to avoid further upset and to help his cash flow. (anybody want to do something to help MY cash flow???)

I am sure the prankster is not aware (nobody is as unaware as UB), that three of the dominos are antiques (So we only need to return 3?) and were from his great, great, great (exaggeration runs in the family) grandfathers collecting during the civil war and are priceless to him. (but for everything else, there's Mastercard).

Sincerely,

GJ for UB (because he's in too much of a panic to type this on his own. Not that we would be able to read it anyway).

Seriously. How many times do you people have to be told not to bring your valuables up in here? THEY WILL DISAPPEAR. See post RE:Yellow Aurora Pen.
And, if you're that worried about it, use the freakin' internet. Here:  http://www.ebay.com/itm/Set-56-Antique-DOMINOES-Bone-Wood-Brass-CIVIL-WAR-Era-/370553439617?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item5646b4c581  That's a complete set of Civil War domines for just $6.01. Easy Peasy.


Now quit your crying.

Note: in case you didn't know, the priceless, antique dominoes currently reside atop a mountain in Tennessee.

Forgotten Items: Leadership. And Grammar

From: Somebody
Sent: Thursday, October 27, 2011 1:13 PM
To: Everybody
Subject: Book In mail Today

We got the book, Extraordinary Leadership, in the mail today, but the package didn’t say who it was for; please claim.

Thanx,

Thanxer

We can think of a few people who should read this one.

From: Somebody Else
Sent: Thursday, October 27, 2011 1:19 PM
To: Somebody; Everybody
Subject: RE: Book In mail Today

That is my copy from the publisher that I wrote.

 What does this mean? You wrote the publisher?

Telephone Conversations: No Hablo Ingles

These days, its impossible to get through a day without speaking to a doctora who "no hablo ingles," which is fantastic. It really is.  There is nothing like a good Spanish refresher every afternoon.  The problem with this situation is you people who "no hablo ANY espanol."

Now, I don't claim to speak perfect Spanish by any stretch of the imagination; HOWEVER I do know that speaking English in a louder voice is not Spanish.

When you are shouting English words through the telephone, I can just picture the look on the distinguished physician's face and he is holding his telefono a good six inches away from his ear.  These guys are not deaf, they are not estupido, they just don't understand your words.

Instead of making him feel like a moron, please visit:  http://www.amazon.com/Merriam-Websters-English-Spanish-Dictionary-Merriam-Webster/dp/0877799164/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1319681512&sr=1-1 That there is a direct link to the English Spanish dictionary.  You can get it for just $6.50!  There are words in there that you can use.

Like this one:
Negligencia.  That means Malpractice.

If you don't have $6.50, you can just visit www.spanishdict.com   

Its free AND you won't sound like un retardo. Win-win.

Now, I realize that you might be old and think you will never be able to learn Spanish, but at least be able to pick up on a few words that the doctora is saying before passing the phone to Senorita LD.

Cubicle Etiquette: Music

Attention Readers:

As discussed in the previous post, you are surrounded by co-workers.  

Thankfully, the world isn't completely filled with people just like you.  Please keep this in mind when listening to music.

In 1919, headsets were invented for use in the music industry.  In 1958, a man named John C. Koss developed headphones for use with stereo systems to avoid DISTURBING OTHERS AROUND HIM.

These days, they are known as earbuds.  They cost anywhere from $1.74 (amazon.com) to $129.95 (bose.com).  

Regardless of their price and origin, these "earbuds" will keep your music inside your own ears.  Keeping your music to yourself is 100% necessary in the workplace if you listen to any of the following:

Maroon 5 - Moves Like Jagger         Yes, I "got them" but do not plan to show them off in my cubicle. 
Gym Class Heroes - Stereo Hearts    LIAR. If your heart is a stereo beating for me, my fist is a stereo that beats you.

Foster The People - Pumped Up Kicks   Yeah, you better run.

Adele - Someone Like You                      Precisely the problem. Lets be original! AT40 BE GONE!

Bruno Mars - Lighters                       You want lighters? I've got lighters, and imma light up your face.

Britney Spears - I Wanna Go             BRING IT.

Katy Perry - Last Friday Night       If anything mentioned in this song actually happened to you, we should be friends. But it didn't, so we're not.

LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem         The only time I want to hear this song is when I am drunk. And not with you.

Rihanna - Cheers                             Its not "the freakin' weekend" so this is not appropriate.

Pitbull - Give Me Everything           "Grabbed somebody sexy, told 'em HEEEYY." Now what? You are just rude.

Do you get it yet? If you don't, its ok. Send me an email. I can go on for hours.

I just want you to know that you haven't heard my music, but I assure you, you would hate it. I HAVE heard your music (unfortunately) and know I hate it. So, get those earbuds you stole from my desk ( I WILL FIND YOU) and pop those suckers in your earballs. 

Save us all the pain.

If you are in an office, this rule does not apply. If you are in an office AND stole my earbuds, I will kill you with zero hesitation.

Cubicle Etiquette: Clumping

Do you sit in a cubicle minding your own business, avoiding the surrounding distractions all day?  

Have you ever snapped out of the focused-on-work-zone to find a clump of chattering people standing around you?

If you answered yes to either of these questions, you are not alone.

There are several questions that come to mind in this situation:

1. Who are these people?

2. Where did these people come from?

3. What are these people talking about?

4. Why do these people need to talk about it here?

5. When did these people get here?

6. How can these people think any part of this situation is ok?

While there are no definite answers to these questions, recent studies have shown:

1. These people are called "co-workers."  They work for the same company that you work for.

2. Unknown to you for some time, these people have filled the surrounding cubicles and offices.

3. These people will talk of many things. Mostly things unrelated to anything you're working on.

4. These people are trying to get your attention by getting all up in your bidness and by gossiping about things you don't care about.

5. These people arrived sometime after the last time you returned from the second floor women's restroom and placed MY earbuds back inside your earballs.

6. That is precisely the problem. These people are not thinking.

Wondering what the solution to this problem might be? We have been working against this problem for years and have come up with the following solutions:

1. Befriend a select few of these "co-workers." You will immediately gravitate toward the right ones. If you do not, please email the editor for detailed information on how to get out of this "friendship."

2. Do not, under any circumstances, fully enter another person's cubicle. A person can be sucked into a "Clumping" situation very quickly. Simply linger outside the entrance if it ever becomes necessary to leave your desk.

3. Ignore this sort of talk. It will not be useful.

4. It is important to listen to some gossip, as it could prove to be useful in some situations.

5. To avoid a "Clumping" situation, simply create small piles on the floor directly in the entry to your cubicle. This way, only the co-workers you have befriended will venture in.

6. Unfortunately, there is no way to force a person to think like you.

Good luck!

Shouldn't-Be Mysteries: The English Language

Okay, people. Seriously.

If English is your first language, you should not be facing this problem.  If English is not your first language, I'll give you a free pass until you have finished reading this post.

Think about this: Also, we will need your payment as well.

Want to know who is more annoying than a "Thanxer"?

I'll tell you.  Its the "Also-As-Well-er."

The Also-As-Well-er is a person who unknowingly feels the need for redundancy. The Also-As-Well-er's voicemail recording probably says something like this: Hello, you have reached Also-As-Well-er.  At this time, I am unable to take your call right now.

If English is your first language and you don't understand what I am talking about, I invite you to go back to middle school.  If English is not your first language, props for learning a second! I'm sure you'll do better than the Thanxers and Also-As-Well-ers.

Restroom Etiquette: Spare a Square

From: Somebody
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2011 3:01 PM
To: Everybody
Subject: LADIES RESTROOM ON 2ND FLOOR

Ladies,

FYI there is no toilet paper in the handicapped stall on the 2^nd floor.

Lady, FYI there is toilet paper in the closet right next to the 2nd floor ladies restroom.

Just wondering: what in the world is going on with the 2nd floor ladies restroom?!  Seriously, "ladies."

Invitations: $5 Hot Dog

From: Somebody
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 8:31 AM
To: Everybody Else; Everybody
Subject: TUES LUNCH

If you can beat it ,buy it!

Best lunch in town, give your $5.00 to UB no latter than Mon at noon and join the fun.

Reader 1: Is this a hot dog lunch for $5 ??????? Yes, we're afraid it is.

Reader 2: Oh my... STARS!  if you can beat it... you probably shouldn't buy... right?? That is exactly right. In fact, you should never pay $5 for anything from UB. 

Good news: We heard there will be mustard.

Email: Reader Submission

From: Somebody
Sent: Everybody; Everybody Else
Subject: OIAWFBFL

We had a fun cook out Fri, with great hot dogs and even better weather. There were about 18/4 [Reader] What does this fraction mean?  18 out of 4 people showed up?  and it was a neat [Reader] Does he mean "tidy"? turnout[Reader]  How neat is that? . I am wide open for suggestions to make it better or even corrective criticism.[Reader] corrective criticism: 1.  Don't use this color font ever again.  2. Spell things correctly.  If any body wants to be in charged [Reader] this sounds painful.  of the next one, I would be more than happy to help.[Reader] Why? Because you don't have time to be in charge of the cookout?  Because you have deadlines??  As the weather gets nicer and more reliable I feel [Reader]  just a hunch?  that these cook out [Reader] singular?  will be more frequent. 

Thanks, Dude! What is this "OIAWFBFL?"

Email: Quality Pumping

From: Somebody
Sent: Thursday, September 15, 2011 3:40 PM
To: Everybody; Everybody Else
Subject: A BIG THANKS

A REAL BIG THANKS (You weren't kidding) TO *****, ****, ***, ***** AND ****** FOR KNOCKING OUT THE BALLON PROJECT THE WAY YOU DID. WE DID IT IN LESS THAT A HOUR AND A HALF AND IT SEEMED TO GO SO MUCH EAISER THAN LAST YEAR. ***** THOUGHT IT BEING THE SECOND TIME AROUND, **** SAID THE QUALITY OF THE PUMPS, ***** AND *** JUST KEEP ON PUMPING, AND ** JUST KEEP ON TIEING. EVERY BODY JUST ROLLED UP THEIR SLEEVES AND KEEP ON TRUCKING. GREAT JOB AND MANY THANKS.  

AH. As soon as I'm finished wrapping these here damn candy bars, Imma come in there and teach youins how to write good.

Email: HELP!

From: Somebody
Sent: Tuesday, October 18, 2011 3:04 PM
To: Everybody
Subject: HELP!

***** needs your help.  They are wrapping candy bars at her desk and was hoping folks could spare a few minutes.

Thanx,

Thanxer 

Um, what? Remember when we talked about how we aren't working when we're being distracted by things that are not our jobs?
Not too sure when Willy Wonka moved in, but we're pretty sure you can find some Oompa Loompas around here to help with this one. We saw them throwing hoola hoops at the fire hydrant a few minutes ago.

Invitations: Mustard & Music

From: **** ********
Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 3:17 PM
To: Everybody; Everybody Else
Subject: You Won't Want to Miss This One!!!!!!!
Importance: High

An Evening of Mustard and Music All of our wildest dreams are coming true!

Workplace KRAZY Its always more fun when spelled with a "K" KARAOKE FAMILY FUN NIGHT

(Spouses & Children invited) In case you didn't know what "family" meant

Date: Friday, June 24th Happy birthday, dad.

Time: 5:00 PM until music stops!! We imagine around 5:03 PM when the cops arrive

Place: Workplace Parking Lot Because we want the entire city of ******** to hear this.

Food and Drink Provided We thought it was just mustard.

BUILD YOUR OWN HOT DOG What is it with you people and hot dogs? Seriously.

RSVP:  Please sign the sheet at the reception desk if you will be attending along with the total of guest. So we can only bring one?

No offense, but we WILL want to miss this one. Remember what a winner that wine and cheese party was? Oh, that's right, you don't because you canceled it.

Email: Time Warp

From: Somebody
Sent: Tuesday, October 18, 2011 10:18 AM
To: Everybody
Subject: MAIL IS DONE FOR MONDAY!

AH. 

1. We'd congratulate you since you seem so proud, but today is Tuesday. That means you're a day behind.
2. Since we're here to be rude, we'd like to say that Monday's mail should be done on Monday and Tuesday's mail should be done on Tuesday.

No hate, we simply want you to know that Monday on Tuesday doesn't deserve an exclamation point. 

Just sayin.' We have deadlines too. Get Tuesday's mail done "sooner rather than latter"

Email: Genius

From: ****** *****
Sent: Thursday, March 18, 2010 3:08 PM
To: Some People
Cc: **** ********
Subject: Binders

The binders that hold 2” of paper are here.  They are an inch smaller than our 3” binders.

AH.

Lost Items: Yellow Aurora Pen

From: ***** ******
Sent: Thursday, September 16, 2010 9:20 AM
To: Everybody
Subject: Yellow Aurora Pen

If anyone knows the whereabouts of my $100 Yellow Aurora Pen please let me know. It was a gift and I cannot seem to find it on my desk.  I think I might have left it somewhere in the office.  Thanks.

Okay, lady. Lets break this down:
1. Why did somebody gift you a $100 pen and how did you know how much the gift cost? Also, how do I become friends with this person?
2. Why did you bring your $100 pen to this place?
3. Why would you exit your office with said $100 pen?
4. How could you possibly think that your $100 pen would NOT disappear?
5. Not to be bitches, but do you really think that anybody in this "paperless" office (filled with pens) is going to find and return your $100 yellow pen?
6. Who writes with a yellow pen anyway? Just sayin.'

PS. We just checked and its currently on clearance for $79.99 if you're interested in purchasing $100 yellow pens for the  rest of us.

From: ***** ******
Sent: Thursday, September 16, 2010 10:12 AM
To: Everybody
Subject: RE: Yellow Aurora Pen

Thanks to *****, she helped me find my pen.  Duh a blonde moment when I stuck it in my bible after study on Tuesday!!!  Thanks ***** you rock!

OMG we're all SO relieved.  Seriously. Just wondering if maybe my $2 headphones were stuck in your bible after study on Tuesday too. THOSE are still missing...

Forgotten Items: RECYCLE BIN

In case you couldn't see that last memo: 

From: **** ********
Sent: Wednesday, September 29, 2010 4:51 PM
To: Everyone; Everyone Else
Subject: RE: Be a CAN do person for Haiti Orphans IMPORTANT!!!!!

PLEASE DO NOT PUT TRASH IN THE BLUE RECYCLE CONTAINERS IN THE KITCHENETTES

THE CONTAINERS ARE FOR CANS ONLY

                                                            THANKS.

You think you can get these dingbats to listen if you make the font bigger, huh? 

How long have you worked here?!

Forgotten Items: Recycle Bin

From: **** ********
Sent: Thursday, October 21, 2010 3:24 PM
To: Everyone; Everyone Else
Subject: BLUE RECYCLE BIN FOR CANS
Importance: High

THE ABOVE PICTURED BINS THAT ARE IN THE FIRST FLOOR AND SECOND FLOOR KITCHENETTES 

 ARE FOR SODA CANS ONLY!

PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE AND DO NOT PUT YOUR TRASH IN THEM!


Ok, lady. We're not too sure what makes you think that recycling cans is going to prevent forest fires, but we can guess who mistook the bins for the trash cans.  Think "Precious Moments."  Just sayin.'

 

UB: Step Right Up!

Apparently you now have to buy tickets to talk to the Professor of Funology.

Step right up. Line forms here.

Moments: Precious

Check this out:

Now picture this but two walls. FULL. Picture 311 Precious Moments. (that's right, they've been counted) It hurts a little, doesn't it?

Now, imagine the amount of time it would take to pack up each and every one of these precious gems to move 5 miles. That happened.

After surviving the 5 mile move in a car, being carried up two flights of stairs and being carefully unwrapped one by one, guess what happened?!

  

I was just sitting here at my desk and I heard a loud, crashy, glass-breaky-sound coming from SS office. Followed by: “OH CHICKEN $h!t”

One down, 310 to go.  A precious moment I will remember forever. 

UB: Smother Him

From: UB
Sent: Monday, September 20, 2010 3:32 PM
To: Everybody; Everybody Else
Subject: NEWS LETTER

There is going to be a special page in the Oct. news letter with regards to thanking John for all he tried to do for us with regards to the new building and offices. Please write me two sentences or less what you like about the new build, offices or what particular thing you want to thank he for. I am going to do a whole page of sentences and there will be no name attached.

Example…..

Wow, I cant wait until our new work out area is complete. The locker room are so nice.

Great front patio, I have used it a couple of times already.

Let’s smother him with thanks and our gratitude.  NEED SOONER RATHER THAN LATER. 

He has deadlines too! 

From: UB
Sent: Tuesday, September 21, 2010 11:21 AM
To: Everybody; Everybody Else
Cc: Intern
Subject: FW: NEWS LETTER

I am sure there are still some that want to respond to the below request so please do so sooner rather than latter. The paper will be going to press in the next day or two. This is so special please take a moment or two and sent me your e-mail.

Clearly there are not any that would like to respond. 

This is so special. I can't wait to go to press.

UB: 1025

From: UB
Sent: Monday, November 15, 2010 4:39 PM
To: Everybody
Cc: Everybody Else
Subject: TIME CAPSULE

The time capsule and all the items are on display in the café to look over and to enjoy some great memories. Please use a marker and initial or write something on the top or sides. There is still time to add something or write a little something to only to be read in 1025. ( I know of a few people that should and have told me you would.)

Enjoy, and hope to see you at the celebration Wed at 4:00.

Be apart of history being made. 

If I’m supposed to write something to be read in 1025, does it have to be in Middle English? Seriously.

UB: Tattle Tale

From: UB
Sent: Wednesday, November 17, 2010 1:41 PM
To: Boss
Subject: T V LEFT ON !!!

I just left the work out room @ 2:40 and both TV’s were on. Is it time for another memo? 

Really?

Funny, because it looks like you sent this email @ 1:41.  More like tattle FAIL.  

Time for another memo: get a life.

UB: Operation "CID"

Ever have those days when you're so busy you'd like to just leave ...and then you get an email like this:

Please find a moment to e-mail that special sentence or two or a short paragraph with regards to the special ‘CID”project. I know how busy everybody is but I also have deadlines. Need sooner rather than latter, THANKS. 

 Lets break this down:

1. I'm busy.

2. Does it have to be special? If we have to make everything "special," special won't be special anymore. Dummy.

3. A sentence or two ...or a short paragraph. There are way too many options.

4. You have deadlines, huh? You mean you'd like to copy and paste our "sentence or two or short paragraph" into The Keane Chronicle before naptimes?


Seriously, dude.

Invitations: Good Pot Lunch. What?

POT LUCK/ GOOD LUCK

(**** in Haiti and *** in Texas)

LUNCH

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5TH, 2011

11:30 TO 1:30

In order for the potluck/good luck lunch to work,

we need everyone that can contribute something for the lunch

to sign up on the sheet at the front desk.

When you sign up, please put down what you will be bringing.

We want to make sure we have a variety of things.

Traditional potluck dishes include:

 casseroles, chili, soups, salad, breads and deserts.

Wait a sec, you can't have a potluck unless we contribute? What if we can't think of anything to contribute? Will you provide examples of traditional potluck food? Holy crap, we're freaking out! What IS a potluck? 

Sheesh. 

Forgotten Items: Popcorn

From: **** ********
Sent: Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:59 PM
To: Everyone
Subject: Microwaves/popcorn
Importance: High

To All:

There have been several bags of popcorn that have been popped in the microwaves that have burned.  Well, $h!t. For safety reasons, if you are going to pop popcorn, please stay by the microwave while popping. Because we all know that this will not cause cancer.

Yesterday someone popped popcorn in the cafe and the popcorn burned.  It was thrown into the trash and the trashcan was smoldering.  Really? This could have caused a fire.  Smoldering = fire?! Wow! Please be more careful! And stand in front of the microwave. OK.

 In case you don't know what "smoldering" popcorn looks like, a photo has been included.

Telephone Conversations: Obviously

We often overhear conversations that make no sense. More often, though, we overhear things that need no further explanation:

“Sometimes they’ll give it to you for free, which means that you don’t have to pay for it!”    

Is that so? Let me double check.

Free: adjective  

provided without, or not subject to, a charge or payment.

Oh, yep. I think you're right! DING DING, we have a winner!

Restroom Etiquette: Health Alert!

From: ****** *******
Sent: Wednesday, July 15, 2009 8:51 AM
To: Everyone
Subject: Health Alert!

Ladies, you may want to avoid the 2^nd floor restroom for today. There have been two girls from *** in there this morning and I would suggest avoiding that facility. If you need further info, just see me.

Thanks

I think that's all the information I need. But wait! In case you were craving further details, there's more:

From: **** ********
Sent: Wednesday, July 15, 2009 9:24 AM
To: ****** *******; Everyone
Subject: RE: Health Alert!

Someone from *** was very sick this morning and used the waste can in the restroom to dispose of a bag they used in their office when they got sick.   This is very unsanitary.  Thank you, Captain Obvious.

********* *********** will be disinfecting the 2nd floor women's restroom this morning.  Until this is completed, it is recommended that you used the third, first or lower level women's restroom.

Thank You

****

Okay, people. Seriously. The first email was enough information for us to figure out that we should not enter. Was it really necessary to explain further?! 

No.

Also, can we discuss how EVERYTHING terrible happens in the 2nd floor women's restroom? 

Lost Items: Paper Cutter

From: ***** *******
Sent: Monday, October 25, 2010 9:34 AM
To: Everyone
Subject: Where can I find the paper cutters??

Do you mean scissors?

 

Lost Items: Shredder Bin

From: **** ********
Sent: Tuesday, December 01, 2009 10:23 AM
To: Everyone
Subject: Shredder Bin?

Has anyone see the shredder bin?   

Oh, you mean that 50 gallon bin we dump all of our old paper in? You lost that? REALLY? 

We are pretty sure UB buried it in the time capsule. We are paperless now. Why would we need a shredder bin if we have no paper?

Just sayin.'

Email: "Thanx"

Attention, Thanxers:

While we understand shortening words is a common practice, we do not understand how shortening a word by ONE LETTER makes much of a difference.  It is not that difficult to type "thanks."  In fact, you probably took more time attempting to locate the letter "X" on your keyboard than you did typing t-h-a-n.

Think about it.  

Thanx.

Restroom Etiquette: Communication

Attention, your majesty:

There is nothing worse than receiving an email from you then running into you soon after, as you are exiting "the throne room" WITH YOUR IPHONE.   We know what you just did and we do not approve. 

We find no honor in knowing that you thought of us while sitting upon your porcelain throne.


There are times to do business and there are times to do other business.  Lets try not to mix the two.

Strictly Business 4

A Little Bit About “Strictly Business”

Strictly Business was formed in February of 2009 by a group of geniuses from our place of work.

The main purpose of this newsletter is to keep employees updated on the everyday activities 

of the people around them.  For example: Jeff, over on the West Side may not have known 

that Beth, over on the East Side has an adorable dog named Bailey.  Or maybe Cid had no 

idea that there is a new, monstrous-looking printer/copier/scanner/robot to take over the world at the printing station.  Now he does.

You may be wondering why the name “Strictly Business” was chosen for such a non-business-like newsletter.  Well, there is only one reason. It sounds cool.  If you feel that you can come up with a better title, feel free to submit it to the editor.  There are no guarantees that your submission will even be considered as the editor feels that “Strictly Business” is very appropriate. 

If you have anything interesting, silly, witty or even uninteresting that you feel should be shared, please submit it to keaneeditor09@gmail.com

NOTE: This is not a gossip newsletter so please, keep the stories impersonal and dry unless the victim has signed the waiver below. 

ANOTHER NOTE: This is not, in any way, a competitor to the better-edited, written and informed “Keane Chronicle”.  This is simply something to keep employees occupied during the off-weeks.

 

WAIVER:

This waiver must be signed and dated by your intended victim and sent to the editor with your submission.  Any submissions received without this waiver will be read and laughed at by the editor and shredded immediately.  Even with this waiver, the editor may veto your submission. 

Strictly Business 3

New Keane Sports Team Forming Soon

As many of you Keane Employees know (several of you from first-hand experience), softball is a dangerous sport.  Ask Linda K., Linda M. and the countless others that were injured in the softball games last year.  I feel I can speak for everyone who did not play and say that you deserve a standing ovation. 

I know that everyone who did not participate is probably hesitant to even consider joining the softball team this year for fear of bodily harm.  Well, you wimps are in luck.  Keane Group will soon be forming a Put-Put Golf team.  All you have to do is complete, sign and date the form on page 4 of this newsletter.  

Rachel LeCroy will be collecting all forms and your $25 (cash) deposits.

The Competition:

 

A Word for the Week:

Consternation \kon-ster-NEY-shuhn\

Noun: sudden dread or paralyzing terror

 

Use it in a sentence: To their consternation, the Keane Put-Put team lost their first match.

Now, nobody wants THAT to happen so get those forms in ON TIME!!

MORE PUT-PUT DETAILS: The first match is August 1^st, 2009.  Practices will be every Saturday leading up to August 1^st from 4am

until 8pm.  Breakfast and lunch will be provided.  You’re on your own 

for dinner. 

Strictly Business 2

Keane's Own Hal Williams Undecided on Electronic Signature

Help Hal decide which “H” to use as his electronic signature.  Circle your favorite!

On Thursday, Hal’s main focus was creating an electronic signature.  Unfortunately, Rachel hasn’t revised THIS Keane procedure for us yet. After asking around Hal finally found someone who knew how to get the signature from a piece of paper into the computer in the right format (thank you Jen Thomson).  But this was the smallest of his worries.

Hal, have no fear, the Keane Team is here to help you choose the best H you can scribble. 

Keane, it is up to you to decide which H looks: a. the prettiest b. the most natural and finally, c.  the most “Hal-like”

The deadline is Friday, 2/27/09

Note: if none of these suit your fancy we have three more pages – front and back, that you may choose from. 

Please circle your pick and send all submissions to Hal Williams.  He appreciates your input.