UB: Hollow

My life would suck without co-workers. Especially you, UB.

HOLLOWEEN AND CHILI:

A real be congratulation to Somebody for her top notch chili and winning first place. Really good. Also a real BIG congrats to **** and his five dwarf’s. *****, ***, *******, ***** and ****** for best costumes. All so cute and especially **** as Snow White! Also a real big thanks to all others who brought chili and all that went with it and those that actually dressed up. How fun, and with out all the participation there would me no party. Thanks **** and ***** *. for all you do. Also a special thanks to Thanxer for the Cardinal baseball cake. How special. The lunch was the “(workplace) kind of fun.”

Only one "real be congratulation" will be awarded ever in the history of the world. That must have been some damn good chili.
The man doesn't joke around about "BIG congrats" so pat yourselves on the back. Seriously, guys. You are so adorable and I love you.
The only reason he can spell "especially" is because the word "special" is in there.
REAL BIG, huh? That's the reward for participation these days? Glad you "actually dressed up" aren't ya?
"me no party" ...as it should be at work.
Special cake. This is huge. The man doesn't just throw special around.
Workplace fun = using a paper shredder, getting a cup of yellow water without getting pulled into a clumping situation and not getting a single paper cut all week. But where would we be without the wrong kind of fun? Definitely not blogging. 


God bless the crazies.

Wanted: Hyundai

From: Somebody's Kid
Sent: Tuesday, November 01, 2011 1:15 PM
To: Somebody
Subject: RE: testing, testing...

Does anyone at your work own a Hyundai Accent?

I'm curious to hear what they think of owning one.

Love,

Your Kid

From: Somebody
Sent: Tuesday, November 01, 2011 1:17 PM
To: Everybody; Everybody Else
Subject: FW: Hyumdai Accent

Gang, Oh, so we're all gang friends now?

My son is car shopping and wanted to know if anyone here owned a Hyndai (Hyumdai, Hyundai, Hyndai. Are you blind or something?) Accent and what your thoughts were about that vehicle. Can anyone help out?

Somebody

Title

Email Address

Company
Address
Phone #
Fax# (why is faxing even an option in the modern world?)
Website (http://secretstrictlybusiness.blogspot.com) OBV.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way, BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day. (remember to forget? This is new)

Have a blessed day and remember to be a blessing... (funny how its always the crabby ones that say this)

"A person doesn’t become old until his regrets take the place of his dreams." (See post Email: Signatures for more information)

Lost Items: BlackBerry

From: Somebody
Sent: Tuesday, November 01, 2011 10:43 AM
To: Everybody; Everybody Else
Subject: BlackBerry

Someone left a BlackBerry in the main floor women’s bathroom.  I have it at the front desk.

Thanx,

Thanxer

Please see post "Restroom Etiquette: Communication"

Office Etiquette: Meetings

Ever seen two or more people sitting at a desk or table holding notepads and looking semi-serious?

This is what we like to call a meeting.

Meeting: In a meeting, two or more people come together to discuss one or more topics, often in a formal setting.


A meeting is something that is not to be interrupted.

Emergency Exceptions:
An unexpected death in a participant's family
A female participant unexpectedly goes into labor.
An unexpected disaster such as a fire, earthquake or tornado.


For any reason other than the above, do not enter the room uninvited. If you presence was needed, you would have been invited.

Interrupting a meeting for any of the below reasons will reflect poorly on the interrupter:
Anything involving UB
Anything involving cake
Anything involving games
Anything involving costumes
Anything involving small talk
Anything involving ultrasound photos

If you notice that there is a meeting going on, do not try to call a participant on the telephone. Do not try to get the attention of a participant in any way. This is a waste of everyone's time. When in a meeting, a person does not wish to be disturbed. Meetings tend to be dull and often uninformative. The more interruptions you cause, the longer the participants will be forced to sit in the meeting. The longer the meeting, the longer the participants are unavailable to you and to their clients.


Got it?

Office Etiquette: Pranking

There aren't too many things better than an office prank.  (As long as the following rules are observed).

1. Make it a big prank.
2. Make it a big prank on the right person
3. Make it a big prank on the right person at a convenient time.

To clarify: Don't prank a busy co-worker who has been out of town for a week, biatch.

Sometimes a co-worker will go out of town for an extended period of time. While this might seem like the opportune time to prank him, it is not. There can't be anything worse than coming home to a week's worth of work ...and a good prank. Rather, choose a time when the co-worker has been gone for just one day. And prank 'em good! If you have a brain, you should be able to see the sense in these instructions.

The exception to the rule is this: When a co-worker who doesn't have much to do leaves the office for a week, go ahead. Prank away! It'll give them something to work on when they return.

This brings us to another point. If you have made this error and pranked a busy person in the workplace, you MUST help him clean that $h!t up. Otherwise the busy person and his busy assistant will have to spend the afternoon cleaning it up, thus putting them behind another day. That is 6 work days of not working.

If you have time to prank somebody, it is greatly encouraged. But please, please prank another person who has some time. This way you and the prankee can spend all day giggling, photographing and cleaning up said prank together. Easy peasy. Errbody's happy.

Restroom Etiquette: Public Restrooms

There is a reason that your bathroom at home is a one-er. Its a private place. This editor is not even convinced that a restroom should be attached to a building.

Whoever invented this whole public restroom thing is a dingbat. There is nothing worse than "restrooming" with 2-6 other people. Why? I'll tell you why.

1. Noises.
Sorry, I don't care if I'm never going to see you again or if we're family, I do not want to hear your body noises of any kind. Ever.
2. Conversations.
I don't really want to talk to you anyway, much less when I can hear your words AND body noises at the same time.
3. Scents.
Not only did you just make body noises while talking to me, you just sprayed some old lady scented $h!t to cover up whatever you just did. Not cool, man.
4. Germs.
After hearing what you just did while talking to you AND smelling your old lady scented room "refresher," I now have to wash my hands in the same spot you do?  Goody.

What is it with girls restrooming in packs? Like, seriously. Who really wants to do that? There are just too many risks involved.

Alternates:

Telephone Conversations: Professionalism

Things that have been said, that should not be said to a client:

"We'll try to finagle this for you."

Finagle:

1. Obtain (something) by devious or dishonest means.

2. Act in a devious or dishonest manner: "they finagled over the fine points".

AH. That is not something a client wants to hear, but it is hilarious.

"I will be with you in a minute. I am waiting for google to load."

No. 

If the good doctor wanted an answer from Google or Wikipedia, he would have gone there himself. If you are going to google something, do it prior to or after the conversation. Or don't tell him that you are doing it.

"WAZZUUUPPP??"
Wouldn't even feel comfortable saying that to a friend.

If anyone tries to force you into a "wazzup" situation, kindly laugh and carry on. Do not cave.

To be continued.